Can you handle this??

Even when you know you are being irrational and even when you know you want it to stop.

It was another day in school. I was getting up from the chair in the school quadrangle where I went to receive fresh air when my shirt got caught against one of the bolts and tore, wide and clean. I was embarrassed. My tummy was so visible when I wasn't hiding it. Due to that, I did not get up from the chair all day because I wanted to escape the unwanted eyes. Only one thing was running through my mind — everyone was secretly talking about me and laughing behind my back.

Photo by Bernard on Unsplash

At the end of the day, I I finally found the courage to ask one of my friends if people were making fun of you because of the torn shirt. But he looked at me with raised eyebrows, “What torn shirt?”

This is the spotlight effect. It is a cognitive bias that makes us overestimate how much people actually notice us. We tend to think that there is a spotlight shining on us at all times, highlighting our flaws and mistakes. But in reality, people are too preoccupied with their own lives to notice that you have done something embarrassing.

It’s an odd phenomenon. There are tons of people in the room, and millions of things happening around you, and yet you are convinced that all eyes are on you. It makes you feel panicky, uncomfortable, and out of your element. You’d totally be planning your escape.

And the thing is that everyone experiences this to some degree. With social anxiety, the spotlight is almost paralyzing. It is much more than just nervousness. Even when you know you are being irrational and even when you know you want it to stop, this self-centered way of thinking overwhelms you and you cannot stop. And the problem with such situations is that when anxiety makes you avoid these situations, it only makes your anxiety worse in the future.

Since we are looking at things from our own perspective, we struggle to accurately judge what other people’s perspective is like. We end up believing that other people’s perspective is more like our own than it actually is. This is especially true because you are more familiar with your own behavior and appearance than other people are, so you are more aware when there is something “off” about it.

So while we’re out here worrying about what others are noticing about us, in reality, most of them aren’t.

You’re not the Center of the World

If we’re in the same lecture theater, there is a very small chance that I will remember what dress you are wearing. Unless of course, I’m interested in you, or I have Sherlock's memory. Why? Because I have my own life to attend to. I’m thinking about what I’m going to eat afterward, how I will get home, and if I’ll even be able to understand what’s happening in class.

Most people are just not interested in how you look or what you are doing. And I don’t mean this in a rude way.

While it’s difficult to avoid this form of biased thinking entirely, being aware of it can sometimes reduce its influence on you. When you are in doubt or feel self-conscious, assume that you are likely overestimating how much people care about this and relax. Remember that even if someone notices whatever you are worried about, they probably wouldn’t care about it nearly as much as you think and they won’t remember it in the long run.

Would you judge a co-worker for something they said or something they did? The answer is probably not. Humans tend to be forgiving and even so when there’s something minor. This pattern of looking at it from an outward point of view will reduce how anxious you feel when you make a mistake.

The bottom line is, The Spotlight effects happen to all of us. But make sure to continue doing whatever you started doing anyway. I myself find myself zoning out and not paying attention to things around me. It’s natural that we do not notice and even care about all the things that are happening to the people around us.